Jokes

[Jelly Bean]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the ****, and disappear for the rest of the day."


Ten great reasons to go to work naked
10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :
1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00!" ever again.

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk
10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God's name, Amen."


GIVING 103% AT WORK
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100% Here's to achieving 103%. Here's a little
math that might prove helpful in the future!
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
equals:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
But:
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
However:
B U L L * * * T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%​

 

[Jelly Bean]

The qualities of leadership
Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

 

[Plastic Nev]

Tommy Cooper may not have told all these jokes, but most of them. For those who remember him.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

 

[DSTM]

THREE MEN.

Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says,'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a joint,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

 

[DSTM]

Thomas the Tank Engine
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You *******s who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you *******s who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

 

[Plastic Nev]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan

 

[Plastic Nev]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

[DSTM]

Diagnosis

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the

doctor's office and said that her body

hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her

left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed

her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead,

are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said,

'Your finger is broken.'

 

[Plastic Nev]

Computer dependency

Computer dependency

This proves how dependant we are on our computers these days. We follow everything to the letter don't we.

This is a little check for you,
are you male or female?
To find out, look down.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
I said look down, not scroll down. Blimy now do you see what I mean.

 

[RandyL]

LOL Nev.

 

[Plastic Nev]

A blonde friend got a letter through the post last week. In big letters on it it said "DO NOT BEND"
She hasn't yet worked out how to pick it up.

 

[wellies]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

[RandyL]

Good ones. LOL

 

[Plastic Nev]

A chap got the sultan of Amman, the Sultan of Arabia, and a few other sultans from other far east states, connected them together with some wires then connected a voltage across and charged the lot.

Police have arrested him for a Sultan battery.

 

[Xsot4]

help4me's WORK gag killed me
Thanks

 

[Wolf]

Previously unreleased.

Get it while it's hot.

Windows 2010

 

[Wolf]

Today I could not find the thing that peels the carrots and potatoes so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.

They said





She left two days ago Dad

 

[Plastic Nev]

My friend told me he hadn't spoken to his wife for over a fortnight, he said "We haven't fallen out, I just didn't want to interrupt".

 

[antony]

Teacher asked how to sell a book student said a girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

 

[Plastic Nev]

The Elephants Graveyard.

A baby elephant is feeling sick and knows that his time is not long, his mother also knows this, so when he says I think I am going to die, his mother tells him that elephants don't just die anywhere, they have to go to the special and hidden elephants graveyard to die. She then tells him how to get there, the journey takes him many weeks, and already weakened by his terminal illness, when he finally gets there it is very late and just going dark.
He falls asleep, leaning on a big old bull elephant and manages to stay alive and rest for all of that long dark night.
Eventually the sun rises and the new day starts, the baby elephant and the big old bull both wake up simultaneously, so the big old feller looks down at the little baby and says, "Hello little feller, have you come here to die?"
The little baby elephant looks up at the big old bull elephant and with a puzzled look on his face says "No, I came here yesterdie"