Jokes

[Plastic Nev]

The clocks go back next week, my problem is, I can't remember where I got them from.

A friend got arrested for kicking a policeman, he had been out for a meal and his wife told him it was his turn to foot the bill.

 

[Plastic Nev]

Must have been a hot day.

 

[Plastic Nev]

This is a friendly reminder about drinking and driving over the festive period.
I went out last night, had quite few beers, then left my car at the pub and took the bus home.
I am very proud of myself this morning as I have never driven a bus before!

 

[Plastic Nev]

Still on the driving topic, for anyone about to go anywhere by the UK motorways be aware

[h=6]a tanker of vicks vapour rub has crashed on the M6 - police have reported that there will be no congestion for at least 8 hours...[/h]

 

[Plastic Nev]

Valentine Memories......aaaaaah!




I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, standing beside me.



I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley over here, love,

.........they're doing 3 cases of beer for the price of 2."

 

[Jelly Bean]

I think when I read this thread some of the jokes are great.But I still think the rubbish I post on my FaceBook profile is funnier....

 

[RandyL]

I'm going to agree with that.

 

[Plastic Nev]

I bet this hurt the wallet a little.


Wife by text to husband at work ............


"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!



Nev.

 

[Plastic Nev]

The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart


A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on
who is the greatest of the three of them.


The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every
day and that's why I am the greatest!"


The ant said, "I work day and night, summer
and winter, I can carry 52 times my own
weight and that's why I am the greatest!"





















Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn

to say something...

 

[Plastic Nev]

Medical examination..........

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady started taking off her panties.....
Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."

 

[Plastic Nev]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything here!"

 

[kety_smith]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything here!"

How funny, many have fun hihihi

 

[scottlad]

You better watch out, you better not cry, You better pay up, I'm telling you why, Mr Cameron's coming to town . He's making his cuts, checking them twice, He doesn't think that benefits are nice, Mr Cameron's coming to town. He sees where you are sleeping, He knows if a bedrooms spare, That empty bed cant hide from him, He can tell if no one's there. And if you've any children, And they number more than two, You'd better hide the others, Or he'll tax you for them too! He can't wait for April, He's planned who he will curse, With extra cuts so he can make Next years Christmas even worse. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE..

 

[Plastic Nev]

You can tell it is getting cold and the temperature is below freezing when that lump of dog mess trips you up.

 

[Plastic Nev]

Well now it is the first day of 2013, I can let you into this very bad Christmas cracker joke.

For any people you may know who are the naturist type that like walking around with no clothes on, I do hope you wished them a Happy Nude Year.

Nev.

 

[Plastic Nev]

Got a phone call from a neighbour today who told me my cat had been chasing a young child down the street on a bicycle.
I told him it was impossible, my cat can't ride a bike and doesn't even have one.

Nev.

 

[Plastic Nev]

Mary told her friend, "I am beginning to feel old" Her friend asked why, Mary replied, "As you know I live in a bungalow, when I woke up this morning, the sun was shining into my bedroom and the day was looking good, so I took off my pyjama's to get dressed when a peeping tom looked in through the window"
Her friend said "Why on earth did that make you feel old?"
Mary replied. "He took one look, then reached in and shut the curtains"

 

[Plastic Nev]

I said to this bloke in the pub, Don't drink that Theakstons dark mild mate, it will make your teeth fall out!

He looked at me and said "Oh really?"

I said yep, because it is my pint!!

 

[Jelly Bean]

Every time I look in the mirror I see the joke looking back at me.........

 

[KenB]

Every time I look in the mirror I see the joke looking back at me.........

You mean you see Nev in your mirror ??